THE CANDY STICK — “If it had a handle it would be a police baton of pulverizing pleasure!”

THE CANDY STICK

I don’t feel a need to make too many silly jokes about a toy with a name so patently sexy, so let’s cut to the chase, shall we? There are a bunch of reasons you should consider purchasing a Candy Stick from Papaya Toys: the company is small and run on socially and environmentally responsible principles while charging a fair price. It manufactures high-quality products that it stands fully behind. These toys, and the company behind them, have won numerous awards. They’re beautifully designed, safe, sleek, and will definitely get the job done. And they’re superb for women like myself: horny women who are attracted to bright colors and swirly things, who live alone in the city and need a bedtime companion as much as they need a weapon. No, seriously. The Candy Stick and its fellow vibes from Papaya)( is ten inches of no-nonsense sex toy that must weigh in at easily a pound and a half. It’s long, sturdy, and made of easily-grippable medical-grade silicone that won’t break or crack. It’s basically the single lady’s bedside nightstick: honestly, if the Candy Stick had a handle it would be a police baton of pulverizing pleasure. What could be better? I can get myself off, stow my sturdy pal in my bedside table drawer, and beat any burglars senseless with it at a moment’s notice. I will never again need a man for anything.

Well… almost anything. I want to preface this next remark with a few disclaimers: first of all, I really enjoy my Candy Stick. It’s got an intuitive and easily learnable series of vibration pulses and intensities, it’s quiet and powerful and really pretty to look at, and it does the trick on my tra-la-la better than the majority of vibrators I’ve tried (hint: I’ve tried many). But there’s one way in which the Candy Stick and I are not as compatible as I wish we were. I love having a sex toy that can double as a creeper club, but I have a little trouble utilizing anything that big internally. Get my meaning? No? I mean, it twiddles my tiddlywink with panache, but there are some parts it just can’t touch… Still no? Ok, fine, the Candy Stick is just too damn big to fit inside my hoo-hah.

Got it now? Ok, good, cause I really don’t want to say that too many more ways. The thing is, this isn’t the fault of the hugely-endowed Candy Stick. It’s my fault for not being a size queen. And who knows, maybe I just need to spend a bit more time with my cunningly crafted quality-time cuddler. Maybe someday we’ll be compatible in every way. I dearly hope so. From the way the Candy Stick clicks with my clit, I can only assume it would completely invigorate my vagina if I could only get it in there.

Ah, and here’s the real trick of it! While the Candy Stick is perfect for the single guy or gal who loves vibrating things and self-defense, perhaps the candy stick, like so many “adult novelties,” is best used in tandem. Perhaps, were I to let down my guard and put down my billy club of a dildo for a few minutes to let someone inside my apartment, together we could find a way to stuff this silky-smooth, almost-silent, sweet, sexy stick of candy up in the business end of me. But for now, I’m perfectly content to sit around the house with my Candy Stick and stick it in the sweetest of places outside of me.

—Miss Lagsalot

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