The Trump Reviews: Hustler’s “The Donald”

The porn industry has looked askance at a Trump presidency since it was just a twinkle in the Donald’s eye. The Trump administration has vowed to take the GOP’s anti-porn platform seriously by coming down hard on smut, and Larry Flynt—perhaps the most well-known politically minded porn kingpin in the world—is not a fan of Trump’s post-Playboy-softcore-porno career. Thus, the Hustler porn parody of Trump as a politician debuted nearly a year ago with a feature-length film called The Donald, starring perennial porno favorite Evan Stone (best known for his award-winning turn in Pirates). This week, as the Trump administration licked its wounds over the failure of its Obamacare repeal and got its revenge by unveiling a plan to destroy the environment by every and any possible means, I thought it was about time to start poking fun at our figurehead again. So I undertook a viewing of this prescient, punchy porno in the hopes of embarrassing the real Donald a bit more than he’s been embarrassing himself lately. So I give you the second installment of The Trump Reviews (the first is here). Read! Share! Poke fun! It’s our duty as patriots and porn fans, folks.

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Starring: Evan Stone, Britney Amber, Christie Stevens, Natasha Starr, Alyssa Lynn, Subil Arch, Skylar Madison, Mark Zane, Donnie Rock

Directed by: Steve Matts

Produced by: Hustler

Look, Evan Stone is probably the best porn actor out there. His hambone personal style lends itself well to slipping into ridiculous character, ad-libbing like a maniac, and managing to keep up the act throughout long and sometimes difficult sex scenes. Add to this impressive skill set his relatively advanced age for a porn actor, his stocky-ish build, and an incredibly expressive face that contorts disturbingly well into the puckered grimaces of our current president, and you’ve got the ingredients of a perfect porno Trump. I wasn’t much disappointed by The Donald: Stone’s physical acting here is excellent: the stiff-legged, lumbering walk; the upsettingly on-point facial contortions; the incoherent rambling; and a certain recognizable blundering self-obsession are all on full display in Stone’s embodiment of Trump. But, ah, here’s the rub: the accent. Stone’s vocals are closer to a faster-talking George W. Bush than a wheedling wannabe New Yorker, which took my experience of The Donald down a notch or two. I’d guess that the off-ness of the impression was perhaps meant to shield the film from an all-out attack from Trump’s lawyers, but considering Stone spends about thirty percent of his speaking time repeating the words “Donald Trump” in a variety of offensive ways, I doubt that protection from litigation was behind the bad accent. Alas, we can’t always get what we want from porn parodies. But this one does give it the old college try.

And I’m willing to settle a bit if it means I can watch  Evan Stone lead a chant of “Trump! Trump! Trump!” while groping himself lewdly, or lurking in the background of three sex scenes, staring at his phone and taking selfies. And it’s worth noting, for the Trump-averse readers out there, that Trump himself doesn’t feature in all the sex scenes. To my great relief, The Donald is careful not to subject viewers to too many images of our commander in chief boning. Because, gross, amirite? I don’t mean to be a sex-negative jerk, but when it comes to envisioning the current “leader of the free world” in his birthday suit, I am less than enthusiastic. So I commend Hustler for their decision not to force dedicated patriots like myself into an overload of presidential peen.

Instead, I was treated to a variety of sex scenes that keep things moving right along, starting with an opening scene in which Trump is narrowing down his field of VP hopefuls by instructing Ted Cruz (Donnie Rock) and Marco Rubio (Mark Zane) in how to properly fuck Middle America—in the forms of Skylar Madison and Christie Stevens’s enthusiastic orifices. “What I want you to do is to compete for my love, my admiration,” he rants at them, face scrunched up into a signature Trump pucker. “I want to make America great, and in order to make America great, I’ve got to destroy the middle class. And to destroy the middle class, you gotta fuck ’em. You gotta fuck ’em hard. And I mean hard. And so what I need you to do is to fuck these two middle American girls. Fuck ’em hard. I mean ball slappin’ hard.” Point to Hustler for making me cringe-laugh early in the film.

And we’re off to watch Ted Cruz going to town on the American middle class in a scene notable mostly for how clearly it demonstrated to me that, even with a porno stand-in, I have no interest whatsoever in ever thinking of Ted Cruz in a sexual capacity. Just. Nah. Especially if he finishes up by saying, “Well now, I think I fucked the middle class pretty good. I gotta get back now, because I’ve gotta tell Donald all about it.” Gag, gag, gag…And one point goes to Hustler for upping my already quite-high level of revulsion to conservative politicians!

Next, we witness Trump giving Marco Rubio a stirring pep talk to amp him up for proving his own commitment to the conservative cause by doing the nasty. I enjoyed this scene a lot more—possibly because my bile doesn’t rise at the thought of Marco Rubio quite so much, and also because I found Mark Zane’s performance rather stirring.

When Rubio and Cruz meet back up in the conference room to see who dicked over the American people best, however, there’s a twist! Sarah Palin (played by Britney Amber with a delightfully befuddled and enthusiastic impression) demands that they both GTFO and let her be Vice President. Seizing upon her interruption, the Donald mumbles, “I need you to show me what’s inside Sarah Palin…You’re gonna masturbate for me right here.” When she’s unsure of how to proceed, he clarifies: “Well, it’s conservative masturbation.” And Palin eagerly gets busy with herself in one of the most gleeful solo scenes I’ve seen for quite a while. While she’s squirming, squealing, and generally making a show of getting herself off, Trump lurks creepily in the background, watching, taking duckface selfies in front of a campaign sign while wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat, and occasionally encouraging her with politically charged commentary the likes of which only Evan Stone seems capable. Point to Hustler for correctly reading Trump’s creep factor long before the pussy-grab statement came to light, and for making me laugh around my deep shame about the state of America. Sigh.

Aaaaanyhoo, I was also treated to a threeway scene between Trump and his two wives Melania (Subil Arch) and Ivana (Natasha Starr), which was enjoyable mostly due to the pre-sex banter. Stone, on point through some discussions of Trump’s day (three hours getting his hair done, one hour peeing on photos of Hillary and Bernie) and some totally believable foreplay that involves him getting hot over his own image on some magazine covers, lets the ladies take the lead for most of the scene. As they’re going down on each other, he pulls out a copy of Mein Kampf for Idiots and explains to them that the Germans made the best walls. Damn, Larry Flynt. You really do not your pull your punches. Point to Hustler!

To my mind, the standout scene of the film was between Amber’s bimbo-ish Palin and Alyssa Lynn’s less-thoughtful Carly Fiorina. Palin stumbles upon Fiorina, who’s in full dominatrix gear and waiting for her 7:00 appointment but who instead allows her sex appeal to turn a curious but “anti-same-sex-stuff” Palin into an eagerly Sapphic sex machine, with many “You betcha!”s along the way. The scene isn’t particularly political, but the sex is hot, so I give Hustler another point for revving my engine.

All things told, I’d give The Donald a 3.5 out of 5 salutes for civic duty. The sex scenes ranged from ho-hum to hot-damn, but I could have stood for a bit more pointed political commentary. After all, I’m not here to imagine Trump or his cronies banging people. I’m here to mock the man, his cronies, and all that they stand for. But, you know, porn parodies aren’t necessarily here to talk policy. They’re here to bring those on high down to the level of us mere citizens by reminding the world that when it comes down to getting down, we’re all pretty ridiculous. And most of us are less ridiculous than badly coiffed narcissists with terrible public speaking skills, tenuous grips on reality, and skin that somehow remains paper thin despite the many layers of spray tan that have been regularly applied for decades. For pure taking-the-piss-out-of-the-president, The Donald pulls it off with aplomb, managing to mock Trump to orgasm and back even in the scenes where he doesn’t—mercifully—strip down.

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