TRISTAN TAORMINO’S EXPERT GUIDE TO FEMALE ORGASMS — “The message here is clear, ladies: masturbate! A lot!”

TRISTAN TAORMINO’S EXPERT GUIDE TO FEMALE ORGASMS

Vivid Ed

Written and Directed by Tristan Taormino

Run Time 169 minutes

STARRING
Jiz Lee, Adrianna Nicole, Dylan Ryan, Evanni Solei, James Deene, Katie St. Ives, Madison Young, Evan Stone, Mr. Marcus, Sean Michaels

This movie’s lineup is like a who’s who of Lags’s Favorite Porn People Ever, and I’ve been hoping to get a copy of it for months, ever since I heard it was being made. So as soon as it arrived in the mail I popped it into my DVD player and prepared to pop my pussy, too. Not only is the female orgasm like the holy grail of sex and porn, it’s the most difficult thing to figure out in the whole damn world for most of us. So I’m all kinds of excited about educating more people, and if Tristan Taormino is involved, you know that it’s going to be hot AND smart, and that’s something that doesn’t happen quite enough for me when I’m reviewing, so let’s do this thing!

Tristan, that icon of sexual know-how, starts out by telling us all about the different stages of female arousal (excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution, dweebs), interspersed with clips of the performers we’re about to see having sex, to give us some visual cues along with little jolts of eagerness to get past all the talking. But the talking is totally worth paying attention to: Tristan knows what she’s talking about, and she’s very clear about the intricacies of a very mystical, often-foggy topic that is more shrouded in mystery for many of us than the whereabouts of Area 51. Listen up, losers: this is important stuff, and you’re getting the info straight from the horse’s mouth. Performers of every stripe from the queer (Jiz Lee) to the kinky (Madison Young) to the adorably girly (Katie St. Ives) to the powerful and womanly (Adrianna Nicole) describe their own experiences of orgasm in detail, while male counterparts explain how they know when a woman is really cumming: a valuable skill for anyone who likes to get up close and personal with a vagina to learn. Then, using her big plush vulva (which kind of makes me want one to snuggle up to at night — god I’m such a lesbian) to demonstrate different techniques, Tristan gives detailed instructions on how to elicit them using everything from clitoral to G-spot to anal stimulation. I’m particularly pleased with the focus she places on how many different types of women there are, and how orgasm is different for each one. The focus here is on communication with your partner, being unafraid to say exactly what gets you off. And before that can happen, she stresses the importance of understanding your own body. “If you don’t know how to make yourself orgasm, then it’s too tall of an order to expect a partner to do it for you,” she tells the viewer, and she’s right. The message here is clear, ladies: masturbate! A lot! Or you’ll never know how to get off! I think that’s a message the whole world can get behind.

After a good forty-five minutes or so of expert instruction and super-thinky stuff you should probably be taking notes on, the clips of sweaty sex that have been peppered throughout will probably have you bursting at the seams to take off your pants, and you’re in luck: the next two hours of the movie are hot, hardcore, sweaty, satisfying smut. The performers spend a few minutes talking about female orgasms from their own perspectives, but then get down to the nitty-gritty of making one, or more, happen. Katie St. Ives, the only female performer I know who screams, “Holy crap” instead of swearing while she’s getting boned by the behemoth black cock of Sean Michaels, is cute as a button while she giggles her way through a pretty standard sex scene. Then Evan Stone and Evanni Solei, whose names are eerily similar but whose racial backgrounds put to rest any fears of possible gene overlap, go into a tender, slowed-down, very sweet and sensual bout that will leave the most romantic among you all teary-eyed and with a big mess on your lap. Next up, queer porn queens Jiz Lee and Madison Young take the screen in a characteristically balls-to-the-wall, hardcore, kinky bout that highlights BIG-ASS toys, rubber gloves, and more screamed profanity than your average episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Also a lot more hot lesbian action, sprinkled with a heaping spoonful of sizzling chemistry. These two have worked together before and know each other well, and it shows in the way they relate to one another. Then it’s on to Dylan Ryan and Mr. Marcus, a seemingly unlikely couple, as Dylan is a proud queer porn princess and Mr. Marcus has fucked just about everything with a vagina west of the Rockies, but they work beautifully together. Whereas Katie was the film’s “cute” lady, Evanni was the romantic one, and Jiz and Madison were the kinky ones, Dylan is the squirting one. She has more control over her ejaculation than maybe any performer I’ve seen before, and though she soaks Mr. Marcus’s jeans in the process, the performance is sexy and sloppy and totally orgasm-inducing in both the performer and viewer. Lastly we’re lucky to witness the coupling of Adrianna Nicole and James Deen, who have as much chemistry as Jiz and Madison, which gives the scene a generous dose of sexy. Adrianna, of course, is the film’s leading anal gal, and she shows her preference for anal orgasm with a screaming, swearing, wriggling performance worth several rewinds.

Amazingly (at least to me), only ONE of these sex scenes ends with a male orgasm. The rest are focused entirely on the female’s pleasure, and even though I knew that was the idea of the film, I was still surprised to not see more semen being tossed around. It’s such a mainstay of sex scenes in the mainstream porn world that it’s almost confusing not to see it, and male viewers might be disappointed. But learning how to achieve the elusive lady-gasm while watching six women get off incredibly intensely sure does the job for me, and I hope it will for you too.

—Miss Lagsalot