Hung Like Horses: Rural Guys Have Huge Dicks

The world just recently turned over a new leaf: more than half the world’s population are living in urban centers (aka cities) these days, and the exodus has had wide-ranging effects. Here in the US we’re seeing an ever-higher incidence of country vs. city cultural divide. (See: Sarah Palin, Cracker Barrel, and hipsters.) For a country fueled very largely on the hard work of rural areas, where food is grown and factories are located, America has long given city dwellers more credit for brains, sophistication, worldliness, culture, and sex appeal.

But NO MORE! A study from Bulgaria (ok, admittedly that’s far from the US, but bear with me), has found that rural boys and young men have bigger schlongs. Not a whole lot bigger, mind you–the numbers are only about .2 inches apart in length on average–but statistically significant. Fucking weird. Take THAT, urban superiority! Hang your tiny heads in shame and behold the behemoth genitals of the Bulgarian bumpkin!

The study itself was aimed at the idea of boys hitting puberty earlier in life, and so the scientists involved don’t have any data on why country boys might be hung like their horses, but I think it’s high time we start speculating! Having absolutely no way to back up any of the following wild generalizations and silly ideas, here are my hypotheses:

Maybe it’s the average amount of exercise a boy on a farm gets versus an apartment-dweller in the city. Perhaps people in the country (in Bulgaria, at least) eat a healthier and less-processed diet. Could be that the population over there is slightly less mobile than here, and for some reason the genes that have stayed in the country just happen to be passed down from a long line of long dongs. Or maybe exposure to horse and donkey cock at an early age psychosomatically affected the boys on farms. Then again, perhaps the air quality in cities is bad enough to have a negative effect on penis growth. Or mayhap being packed into small spaces with more males during daily life triggers less testosterone during growth to prevent aggression (a trait which can get you in more trouble in a crowded subway car than out in a field), which in turns affects sexual development. Or perhaps the tight jeans of the aging hipster community have just damaged their sperm enough by now that their kids are suffering the consequences… But then again, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen a hipster in tight jeans and been impressed by the size of his bulge… Maybe hipsters move to cities in the first place because cowboy-style tight jeans are too embarrassing for them: the other cowboys have wild west wangs and the hipsters have to escape the anonymity of American Apparel, where all the bottom bits are itty-bitty, and where they then pass on their tiny-tadger genes to another generation of moustachioed, red-wine guzzling dweebs…

Could be anything! And I think we’ve established how I feel about hipsters. But the point is that, now that we’ve got this information from Bulgaria, I’m hoping that similar studies will follow suit in more countries. If the big-dicked bumpkin is a worldwide phenomenon, I wonder if the world may soon see its first female- and gay-male-exodus. From the cities where the brains are big, the sniffling sophistication sky high, and the jeans far too tight, perhaps those who love a lengthy lovestick will see fit to repopulate the countryside, sending back the finest erotica and amateur porn, along with artisinal cheeses and organic produce from the expat hipsters, to us poor, puny-peckered city dwellers.

The future is looking bright!

Actually, it’s not. I mean, .2 inches isn’t much to crow about, and once you factor in how impossible it is to tell what all those Bulgarian boners would look like erect versus flaccid, all speculation goes out the window. We’ve all known some guy whose bulge was impressive during conversation, but barely ballooned at all when he got aroused. And we’ve all known someone with a laughably small package that sprouts into a redwood when he gets randy. It’s a crap shoot, and I dare say I don’t find a fraction of an inch difference pre-wood to be much of a promise of better sex in the country: city boys might not have as much to swing around in a wine bar, but they might have been exposed to a few more ideas about positions and foreplay. Then again, country boys may have more free time to go for a romp in the hay or in the back of their pickup and may have learned a thing or two even without sex clubs and seminars. I think, if I decide to move back to the country someday, I’ll do it for the love of fresh air and leave the hope of better straight sex out of it. And anyway, my boyfriend here is from the country. Hah!

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