THE CELEBRATOR — “It took me five minutes, tops.”

I’ve got to admit, when I first laid eyes on the Celebrator at the AEE convention in Vegas, I kind of giggled. The thing was obviously an electric toothbrush with some cute pink accents and a weird Q-tip looking plastic attachment on the end of it. “Get a pulse pounding, earth shattering orgasm!” the packaging demanded, but I was singularly unimpressed with the aesthetic impact the toy made on me. The attachment on top of the electric-toothbrush base was line, thin, and almost garishly pink. It looked nothing like any vibrator I’d ever seen, and though I’ve seen plenty of vibrators made just for external stimulation, I couldn’t help imagining trying to penetrate someone with this twig-like appendage and her going, “Is it in yet?” It just didn’t seem like the kind of thing I’d really be interested in.

But hey, I’m game for new sex toy experiences just about anytime and anywhere, so I asked the people behind the table about their toy. The lady obligingly took a sample from the table, pressed a button, and held out the now-whirring pink thing toward my hand. I touched it. “Woah,” I said. She smiled. “It doesn’t vibrate like a normal massager,” she said. “It actually oscillates from side to side. Look, you can see how the tip isn’t just vibrating, it’s moving from side to side visibly.” I could see it. The pink Q-tip thing was kind of flapping back and forth, really really fast. It wasn’t vibrating, it was twitching. Powerfully. Hm.

Within a few minutes I’d grabbed one and handed over my card. I still wasn’t sure what I’d do with the damn thing, but the sensation it had shown my palm at the show was incentive enough to give it a try. When I got back to NYC from Vegas, I took the thing out of the package and giggled again, thinking that I could keep this thing in the bathroom next to the toothpaste and nobody would be the wiser. Except my dentist.

I turned on my favorite lady-porn scene, looked at the Celebrator again, shrugged, and pressed the button. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a hell of a statement to make, because I think my lady parts might operate slightly differently from others’ in that vibrators usually don’t do a whole lot for me. They’re nice and all, but most the time when I’m using a vibrator I have to finish things off with my fingers—they just can’t get me the whole way there. But not so with the Celebrator. I was wearing underpants and decided I’d start things off with a little flapping/vibrating through the cotton first, before getting the game really under way. But the game never got going. Whereas I can take a half hour easily with most vibrators, whether internally or externally applied, I’m not joking at all when I say that the Celebrator’s side-to-side oscillations oscillated my clit with a power and prowess that an electric toothbrush could NEVER muster. It took me five minutes, tops.

And when I got to the orgasm part the packaging had promised, my brain was so blank for so long that the “mind bending, earth shattering” language didn’t even come back to me until a few minutes later. I’m not exaggerating: this has got to be one of the most powerful orgasms I’ve had alone with a toy in years, and it lasted longer than anything in recent memory. I’m talking jaw-hanging-open, drool-possibly-dribbling-out, complete and utter loss of all control, absolutely… well… earth shattering.

Folks, this toy might not do much for inside your vagina, and it might look a little silly, but considering you can pack it in your luggage and not even raise the TSA people’s eyebrows when it goes through the X-ray scanner, and when you get to your hotel you can have an orgasm that will blind you for twenty minutes afterward… It’s damn well worth a try.

—Miss Lagsalot