THE PRIZE — “Kaylani Lei and Asa Akira do an anal scene together! That’s all you need to know!”

Wicked Pictures

Directed by Brad Armstrong

PRIZES Kaylani Lei, Asa Akira, Chanel Preston, Jewels Jade, Brad Armstrong, Rocco Reed, Xander Corvus

Ok, let me be honest about why I chose to review this movie: Kaylani Lei and Asa Akira do a scene together. An anal scene. That’s all you need to know. It was all I needed to know. I didn’t really care about anything else in the movie as long as I got to see two of the most beautiful women on the face of this green gorgeous earth go at it. I wasn’t, at the time, aware that it was a movie dedicated to the most vanilla butt sex imaginable. Seriously. This is a movie dedicated to illustrating how fun, un-messy, and politically correct ass-fucking can be. This is a film that a guy who’s trying to convince his female partner to surrender her anus to his loving ministrations could buy, snuggle up to said partner with some popcorn, and nod appreciatively at pivotal moments. It’s designed to get women to not only relax their worries and their sphincters, but also to sell more movies by Wicked. I am not kidding. There is product placement in this porno… for other pornos made by the same company. Specifically, jessica drake’s Wicked Guide to Anal. I really, truly, never thought I’d see the day when a successful smut company would make sticking a cock up somebody’s ass a goal so banal, so acceptable, that a cuddly couples-oriented blue movie could be written about it and propped up with references to an equally vanilla instructional video. Part of me is rejoicing that we’ve come so far, but the other part is totally befuddled. I guess this is how it feels to get old. So, all that being said, it’s kind of a cute movie. If you can get past the somewhat icky feeling that you’re involved in corporate sponsorship while jerking off.

Kaylani’s husband (Xander Corvus) reeeeally wants butt sex. He keeps asking her for it and hinting at it, but she’s not sure she’s ready to give up the booty, so she keeps saying no.

Then, one day, the Dick from Fast N Easy Plumbing (Brad Armstrong, who looks surprisingly comfortable as a blue-collar pipe fixer) comes over to fix her kitchen sink drain, and everything changes. No, they don’t make sweet, hot, stinky love. Instead, she catches him on the phone, telling his wife how he’s going to drive her up her back road that night. (Incidentally, I couldn’t help noticing that this kitchen, like the rest of the house, is palatial. I simply cannot fathom a career that Xander Corvus, cute though he may be, could possibly excel at that would earn him enough to keep up a house like that with a stay-at-home wife… but this is porn. I really shouldn’t look for realism.) Kaylani, apparently being a very open kind of woman, sits him down with some coffee and grills him about whether his wife really enjoys anal.

Cut to a scene of the Valley’s Mario pumping its analogous Princess Peach (Jewels Jade) all the way to her pink pit. And she DOES enjoy it. Quite a lot, it would seem.

So then Kaylani starts looking up rectal reaming on the internet, considering for the first time that she might want to try this. And of course her neighbor, Chanel Preston, barges in right in the middle… to borrow a cup of sugar. Again, I realize that this is porn and that we’re not going for panache in the writing, but honestly? If Chanel Preston has ever gone near a rolling pin or cookie cutter or cake pan in her perfectly-manicured life, then I’m a fucking monkey’s uncle. And a really horny one, at that. Hairy, too. (Hint: I’m not hairy. Or related to any monkeys.)

Anyway, Chanel sees the computer screen and informs Kaylani that butt sex is fantastic, and to try it post-haste— using, of course, jessica drake’s Wicked Guide to Anal as a reference, gagbut to make a deal with her husband first, in which he does all the household chores in exchange for occasional poop chute play. It works like a charm, she says, for her and her husband Rocco Reed—and by way of illustration, the audience is treated to watching Rocco, who looks particularly good with his hair all wavy and long like that, stretching Chanel’s “out” hole to quite magnificent proportions.

Kaylani is now convinced that she wants to usher Xander’s love muscle into her backdoor, so she sets about learning how to do it, so she gets some anal supplies and bangs herself in the ass with a vibrator. After cumming like crazy, she decides this anal thing is all it’s cracked up to be, and tells Xander that he can have a go at her booty if he does a bunch of chores for her first. Because, obviously, butt sex is always a power play.

But it’s here that things get good: Kaylani takes her butt over to her best friend Asa Akira’s house to learn how take it from behind. Asa, apparently a veteran of all things sphincter-stretching, proceeds to fuck Kaylani’s cute little brown eye every which way with a variety of dongs, glass dildos, and even—thank all things kinky and beautiful—a strap-on. Personally, I’d have given several of my toes for more strap-on play between these two insanely beautiful women, but that part of the scene lasts for a dishearteningly short time. Ah well, both ladies got a few good orgasms out of it, and I got to drool all over my shirt. Everybody wins!

Kaylani proceeds to work Xander into the ground with long lists of chores he must get done before he’s allowed to stick himself into her pooper, which makes for a series of funny foibles that result in no buttsex for anyone. At last Rocco informs Xander of a little thing called “Maid Services” that will do the work for him and get him buried to the hilt inside Kaylani’s beautiful butt in no time. Kaylani discovers he didn’t really do the chores, but she lets him have her divine dirty dugout anyway, because they’re in love and he’s just so damn cute.

And so you see, horndogs, that this movie has a moral: not only is buttsex fun for everybody—and apparently not cheating if two women do it together—but it’s always better when it’s not about power. Stinkhole sex is best when approached from a position of gender equality, just like everything else. …Or at least, that’s what I took away from it. Well, ok, not really. What I really got out of The Prize was an aching longing to see a longer strap-on scene with Asa and Kaylani.

—Miss Lagsalot

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