The Trump Reviews: Donald Tramp: The XXX Parody

The events of the past few weeks have been deeply upsetting for many of us as our new (gag) president has made good on many of his most alarming campaign promises while mysteriously forgetting about many of his more promising ones. The nation has been thrown into turmoil with protests and marches and civil unrest growing daily. I’ve been doing my best to keep up with it all, to contact my congresspeople to make my voice heard, and to resist in the ways I can. But as a writer who focuses on porn, I’ve been left wondering just how I could apply my unique skill set to the current political climate in a useful way…until now. Our new (barf) president becomes nigh apoplectic every time anyone implies that he might not be universally adored and respected (see: his whining on Twitter about Saturday Night Live‘s depictions, and his meltdown over the perceived size of his inauguration crowd). Naturally, the porn industry has noticed this flimsy and eminently mockable egomania and capitalized upon it with a few parodies, and one assumes that they’ll keep making them as the (blehhh) presidency continues. Of course, Trump isn’t new to being featured in skin flicks, but now that he’s in the White House (hork), he’s got a lot more to lose by being mocked. And therefore I see it as my patriotic duty to bring as much attention to the parodies that have already been created about our leader by reviewing them, publicly, and discussing their relative merits of the depictions of the (dry heave) Commander in Chief. And so, my dears, I give you: The Trump Reviews, starting with WoodRocket.com’s free offering, Donald Tramp: The XXX Parody. Enjoy, and feel free to share liberally. And, hey, porn industry: Keep ’em comin. The world needs you now more than ever.

Donald Tramp: The XXX Parody

Starring: Dick Chibbles and Trinity St. Clair

Written by Lee Roy Myers

Directed by Nate Liquor

Produced by WoodRocket.com

Available for free at http://woodrocket.com/videos/donald-tramp-the-xxx-parody

This is a short film, just over twenty minutes long, with almost equal time devoted to dialogue and to sex, which made it a clear target for my first review of Trump porn. After all, the prospect of imagining the commander-in-chief’s bloated, pasty body enacting any form of what might be euphemistically referred to as “love-making” is something I don’t really want to face. I’m going to do it anyway, in the name of patriotism, but I’m not exactly excited about the prospect. So in this case, less is more.

The opening credits feature a couple stock shots of Washington, D.C.: the Lincoln Memorial, the White House. But the conceit of the film is that it’s being filmed during the presidential campaign, before Trump was living in the (gag gag gag) White House. So I’m a tad confused about why exactly our “Mr. Tramp” is being interviewed in our nation’s capital by a debate moderator. But setting isn’t that important; the porny depiction of our (hurl) president is what I’m here for. And the fact that the debate moderator is just interviewing Tramp rather than moderating a debate is welcome, since he swiftly makes it clear that he’s a self-centered blowhard who can’t stand being talked back to by real opponents.

And, okay, let’s just get this out of the way: Dick Chibbles’s Trump is not very well executed. The wig, makeup, and wardrobe are fairly spot-on, but then, there’s not a lot of skill necessarily required to slather on bronzer and don an extra-roomy-suit-and-too-wide-tie combo. It’s the accent and delivery that are lacking here, which is a shame because some of the dialogue, though not exactly cutting political satire, are still pretty enjoyable and not too far off the bloated bull’s-eye that is the orange head of our Executive Branch at the moment. And hey, this is Internet porn that’s literally offered for free on WoodRocket’s website, so let’s not get too high and mighty about the acting, n’est ce pas?

Then again, perhaps a half-assed New York accent and lazy characterization are what our current president really deserves. He’s approached the Constitution, most subsidiary laws of our country, and the civil rights of nearly every minority group with about the same amount of delicacy as Chibbles brings to this role, and I respect the continuity there. And, to be fair, even if the accent and delivery aren’t exemplary, the smarmy self-satisfaction, misogyny, racism, xenophobia, and all-around dickheadedness are dead center. “I love women! Except for the fat and ugly ones,” he blusters to the moderator. “We should be shipping those pigs off to Mexico.” Sounds about right.

And I have to hand it to writer Lee Roy Myers—I had my doubts about how make this obnoxious blowhard desirable enough to deserve a blowjob, but Myers made it work. After explaining that he plans to construct an army of terminators once he’s elected, with a nod to his new Terminator-themed Atlantic City casino, Mr. Tramp purses his lips and slits his eyes, launching into his “ranting billionaire charm” in an attempt to win the moderator over. As she falls prey to his rich-guy wiles as if in a trance, as did millions of voters, he intones, “Now let’s have sex while I whisper racist comments into your ear.” And, just like it inexplicably worked on Middle America, it succeeds here. I may never understand the mechanism by which people are swayed by Cheeto dust on an unattractive face, but I can’t deny that others dig it.

Of course, it makes significantly more sense in the context of a porno—where actors are getting paid to bang—than it does in our country—where we’re all just getting brutally fucked. And although Tramp performs cunnilingus for a while, which feels like a hell of a stretch if you ask me, the sex here works for the character. There’s dirty talk comparing gonads to 32-karat gold, naturally, and his sex faces mirror the excruciatingly put-on “thinking face” our commander in chief uses when trying convince us that he has an internal monologue. I’m not convinced The Donald would ever consent to wearing a condom—he seems like the kind of douche who could wheedle his way into going bareback if he’d already gotten into somebody’s pants—but I’m willing to buy it because dear god I just don’t want to think about his bare penis.

The money shot is adequate but I’m sure not as copious in magnitude or velocity as our president would like us all to believe he’s capable of—the word “tremendous” springs to mind—and Trinity St. Clair’s clear indifference toward it makes this scene feel very much like the business transaction it is. Which is, I suppose, just as it should be.

In the end, this parody isn’t exactly the insightful and hilarious satire that I’d hoped, but it has its high notes and, I hope, would embarrass the everloving crap out of the president, which is why I hope you watch it, share it with friends, and petition WoodRocket.com to make lots more like it.