I’m Jealous of the Self-Sexing Rock Thing

Check this out, y’all. Not only did they (probably) find the Higgs boson this week–somebody made known to the internet this (above) INSANE bottom-dwelling living rock creature that switches sexes during the course of its completely immobile life, and, if it’s not near any others and since it can’t move to go find any others, jerks itself off somehow (without hands?!), and releases both sperm and eggs into the water in the hopes that they’ll be smooshed together by the ocean current to create new insane bottom-dwelling living rock creatures, which start out as mobile tadpole-y things that swim around until they find a good spot and settle there, nevermore to move of their own volition.

This may sound like something of a bummer, but think about it. These things don’t do anything but masturbate. Seriously. They don’t even actively seek food–they just strain microorganisms out of the water around them through their pores. They don’t move. They don’t watch TV or attend backyard BBQs. They just sit there and emit sex cells. Now, I know that the release of sperm and eggs doesn’t necessarily equate to sexual pleasure–not even in humans does ovulation feel fantastic. But I feel like, if nature has any sense of fairness, this poor little immobile rock thing must have a very rich internal life. And given that its only form of entertainment is releasing gametes… I’m gonna go ahead and really hope–and assume–that the Pyura chilensis is basically getting itself off all the time. And let’s take this as far as it can go, and assume that if you’re releasing both sperm and eggs at one time… It must feeling fucking amazing.

Sitting here at my desk, wondering what to do with myself this weekend and whether I should really take that freelancing gig because it would really help pay the bills this month but I really just don’t want to do it, pondering whether my health insurance will cover the procedure I may need to have… I’m incredibly jealous of P. chilensis. If my only care were, “Should I jerk off now? Or maybe later after I’ve digested my afternoon’s worth of nutrients from the surrounding water? I think I’ll jerk off now and later,” you know… That’d be rad.

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