Dear WHACK!
This is going to sound really weird, but I have to tell someone about it because I just don’t know what to do. I’m in a great relationship with a fantastic guy. He’s sweet, thoughtful, respectful, and pretty much every woman’s dream. We’ve been together for a while and we have great sex. He’s perfect!
Except for one thing: he’s actually kind of too sweet for me. I like things a little rough. I like slapping and choking, and especially dirty talk. I want him to call me a slut and a bitch and take control in the bedroom. I guess it’s a fetish. But I don’t know how to tell him this. I think he might be freaked out by my desires. How do I get this to happen so we’re both having as much fun as possible?
—Wants to be a Slut
Dear WtbaS—
Hm.
This is a really good question. So good I’m not sure how to answer it. Because on the one hand, part of me wants to say that this is all about communication and that as a couple who seems very happy you should feel comfortable enough to tell him what you want in the bedroom without fear of freaking him out. But the other part of me knows that there are some people whose sexual fantasies just aren’t very compatible. He might be into trying it with you, but then again maybe he won’t. I just don’t know.
But I guess the thing is — you’ve got to at least try, right? Your desires may not fit perfectly into his vision of what a partner should want in bed, but if it’s what you want then you should at least try to get it or you’ll spend who-knows-how-long being unsatisfied, which could lead to all kinds of bad things like resentment, cheating, and general unhappiness. So communicating your desires is definitely worth a shot. If it absolutely doesn’t work you can regroup and decide where to go from there, but it seems like you’ve got to break your silence to get it off your chest.
Some people don’t voice their deepest desires for fear of offending other people, but others don’t voice them because they’re afraid of themselves. Your guy might actually love that kind of play but assume that you won’t be into it. Who knows? Maybe you guys are a BDSM dream waiting to come true! You’ll never know until you ask.
But how to ask. I guess that’s the big question, isn’t it? This depends very much on who you two are as individuals, I think. Some people can throw this kind of wrench into the gears in a nonchalant way over dinner without any problem—some people would choke on their dinner at the mere mention of sex over food. For some people, asking to be slapped or choked during sex might bring the whole encounter to a screeching halt, while for others the heat of the moment is the perfect time to introduce a little kink. The point is, you know your guy better than I do, so you’ve got to gauge for yourself when and where and how to phrase your desires. But I’d say the key to success is starting off slow and relatively mild. You might really want him to tie you down with heavy chains and verbally humiliate before bringing you to forced orgasm, but if he’s new to this side of your sexual personality, he might need to be eased into it. Try asking for a little spanking during foreplay or sex and see how that goes. Or sometime when you’re alone and just talking, mention that you’ve always had this fantasy about having your hair pulled or being called names. You haven’t told me if you’ve actually done these things before or if they’re just fantasies of yours, but be aware that if you’ve only fantasized about being called a bitch or seen it in porn, sometimes the actual experience of fantasies can be very different from the reality. If you’re new to this as well, bear in mind that you might not actually enjoy the sound of your partner degrading you or the feeling of him dominating you physically, in which case starting out slow makes even more sense.
Depending on where you live, there might be even more formalized, less-intense ways to learn about domination and kink. Here in New York, the kinky-and-cute Domi Dollz offer events classes, and salons like Kink 101 that help couples learn about how to tap into their kinky side in a fun and supportive environment. See if there are events like this near you and take your man for a surprise treat.
Whichever way you approach it, it’s important for you both to feel comfortable enough to ask for what you want and express yourselves if you’re not enjoying what’s going on. Safe words and clear communication are important when sex gets kinky, and they’re important for a reason. So dip a toe in, and if you like the water, go for knee deep if you want, and maybe dive right in. But be sure you’ve both got your life jackets handy and don’t be afraid to use them if you need to. Good luck getting to know your kinky side!
—Miss Lagsalot