SEXPERT ADVICE — Milk porn? WTF?

Where did the whole milk phenomenon in porn come from? Pouring it over a woman’s ass, squirting it into her orifices… I must have missed the memo explaining the whys behind it. Personally, I think it just gets in the way of the fuckin’.

– Lactose Intolerant

Dear Lactaid Drinker,

Oooh, oooh, this one is going to be fun! I’m absolutely going to amateur-psychologist this shit! So, disclaimer: Miss Lagsalot has no idea what the answer to this question is. But she is sure as shit going to offer some possibilities. Please don’t take any of this as an actual explanation for any weird shit you’ve come across on your stroking adventures on the interwebz.

Ok, now that that’s over with, let’s look talk about some of the endless variety of uses can our favorite lactic substance is put to when a carton of 2% lands in the hands of the perverts in Porn Valley! Did you know that, aside from the milk enemas that John Stagliano was famously brought to obscenity trial over last year and your run-of-the-mill pouring milk on women in showers, there’s a whole subgenre of lactating porn? And another involving babysitters and baby-bottles in conjunction with cocks. And then there’s smooshing, which isn’t involved with milk per se but really gets into the whole food fetish thing. And goodness knows how many other bizarre things have been done with this creepily curd-able liquid. Suffice it to say that milk and porn apparently go together like… milk and porn. Really, you don’t need an explanation for that. It’s so close to “milk-and-honey,” which again makes very little sense but it just sounds so perfect together, you know?

Anyway, some possible explanations for this family of fetishes:

1)      Milk is, as far as liquids go, pretty sexually linked to begin with, ne c’est pas? It does, after all, come out of boobies. Of course, the boobies producing it are usually more concerned with nourishing squirming little babies, but those boobies are also usually larger when they’re all swollen up with milk. Many of us might get turned off by the idea of lactation, since it’s seen as the only non-sexual use for breasts by the mainstream, but for certain, less easily creeped out individuals, those jugs are at their hottest when they’re full of warm, nutritious liquid.

2)      Moving right along, since that last sentence was too good to pass up: let’s not ignore the fact that, while some of us might feel a bit nauseous thinking about a substance that comes from cow breasts and curdles easily falling into our nooks and crannies… That substance is white liquid. And for anyone who has ever spent any time doing elementary-school arithmetic and/or watching porn, white liquid is gold to the porn industry. If semen spewing everywhere is a money shot, then maybe milk being poured all over a hot body is a slightly more slippery and less valuable one… like the “Canadian-money shot.” It’s easier to get milk in copious amounts than jizz, and you don’t have to pay gangs of bangers cash only to watch them grunting and grabbing and sweating and stinking the place up. For slightly more weird-factor and slightly less hairy backs, you can get a longer, more luxurious shot of someone being doused in a spray of white liquid. Hell, now that I’m thinking of it, why wouldn’t you do a milk shoot if you were a pornographer?

3)      Since I’m on a positive-associations upswing here, let’s take it one further. We’ve all seen porno where there’s lots of baby oil and lube getting slathered all over someone’s butt and/or boobs, right? (…right? Wait, are those crickets I hear chirping? WTF?) We all know that models get sprayed with high-fashion spritzer before photo shoots. We know how unendingly sexy it is when that guy or girl in the movie that makes everyone drool gets out of the shower all dripping wet. Well, milk gets people wet, and it’s got just enough of a fat content to make everything slick, slippery, and shiny in all the right places. Again, it’s cheaper than the alternatives, and it’s a better lubricant for banging purposes (though perhaps not oh-so-very sanitary) than water.

4)      Of course, it’s not all fun and games when you get into some real close examinations of some fetish stuff. But we here at WHACK! don’t like to flinch from our responsibilities! So let’s not beat around the bush: milk being used in certain ways is infantilizing and degrading. Especially those baby-bottle-and-dick babysitter scenes. The idea that the woman on screen likes milk because she’s oh-so-young-and-innocent and still growing…? Pretty much right there for the taking. I’m not into that stuff, but it’d be hard to argue that this idea doesn’t enter into a bunch of it.

5)      And milk enemas? A little on the degrading side — but that’s kind of what gets a bunch of people off, isn’t it? No less the women doing the enemas than the people watching, for the most part, so let’s not get all morally outraged just yet. Who knows, maybe milk enemas feel fantastic. I guess I could have asked somebody who’s done one, but where’s the fun in that when I get to play Freud here? Anyway, the point is — food and sex can go together in unquestionably delightful ways (as in, say, strawberries and whipped cream) but they can also go together in ways that are only delightful to certain people. I might not get all hot and bothered at the idea of cow hormone juice dripping down my thighs, but anybody who does isn’t hurting anyone… except maybe the poor overworked, over-antibiotic-fed cow. Well, let’s just hope they use antibiotic- and hormone-free, grass-fed, organic, free-range milk on the set of Dirt Pipe Milkshakes series, and go about our merry ways, eh?

—Miss Lagsalot

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