The Not-Doctor Is In: Too-Speedy Splooge Strategies

Well, it’s about time I got around to that “advice columnist” thing I was tooting my own horn about a while back. Unfortunately, it appears that the majority of my readers are incredibly well-rounded sexually, because despite my possibly-overblown statements about my vast knowledge on all things sexual and free giving out of my personal e-mail address (C’mon, not even one titty pic? You guys are LAME.), I only got ONE sex question to answer. One! And it was on twitter, so it was short and very un-detailed and possibly made in jest.

But I am a good sport, and I am determined to be a sexpert as well, so here goes nothing. Ahem:

From Daniel Woah: @MissLagsalot i cant last morre than 10min, what should i do?

Dear Mr. Woah,

I wish I knew a bit more about your situation; as with most things in life, sexual problems are as varied as the people and situations in which they arise (and apparently fall, too quickly for your taste). I wish I knew if you were in a steady relationship with regular sexual contact, or rarely getting the chance for intimacy. I wish I knew if you were talking about having oral, anal, or vaginal sex–or some other variation. I wish I knew if you were including masturbation or only genital intercourse. I wish I knew if you were talking about ten minutes of actual penetration/sexual stimulation, or ten minutes from the moment you get going. I wish I knew if you were young, old, or in between…

But alas, Twitter is not the most informative medium for intimate question asking, and my request for more information returned nothing. So, allow me to make some sweeping generalizations and very likely less-than-useful suggestions.

First of all, I think it’s important to keep in mind that ten minutes, on the general scale of male human sexual stamina, is really not bad. As a matter of fact, it’s pretty damn good.

If you’re a fan of pornography–and, given you’re reading my blog and catching my tweets, you probably are–you may be under the impression that men are supposed to be able to have sex for a half hour at a time with only minor breaks between positions, and that women expect men to keep a raging, rock-hard boner for the duration. I’m sure you’re aware that porn uses a bit of “screen magic” to trump up the performance of male performers, but few people who aren’t regularly on porn sets (myself included) realize just how much time is spent between takes, during which the male star may lose wood, hang out, get some coffee, possibly get fluffed, and only then go back in for more. Rare indeed is the porn star who can keep his cock at full attention throughout the hours it can take to complete a scene. Not that what these guys do is any mean feat; they still DO have sex for at least an hour, even if it’s spread out, and male performers are a rare and randy breed to begin with. Depending on who you ask, the numbers vary, but several porn veterans I’ve talked to put the percentage of men who can even muster wood on command in front of lights, camera, and crew in the first place at between 1% and 5%. Being able to KEEP that wood for long enough to finish a scene and ejaculate on command, after the woman is done or the director is done or both, is an even more elusive skill.

So don’t sweat it if your performance isn’t equal to James Deen’s. He’s something of a freak of nature, in a very grand way. But, depending again on who you ask, so are YOU, dear Mr. Woah.

As far as science-minded experts are concerned, you’re right up there in the sexual stratosphere. In a 2004, British sex physiologist Roy Levin published that the average amount of time between penetration and male orgasm was between two and five minutes (100 to 500 thrusts),* and “premature ejaculation” is considered by experts to take as long as one and a half minutes, which, considering two minutes is “average,” your ten minutes is practically Herculean. I’m impressed, now that I’m looking at the numbers.

And furthermore, Mr. Woah, consider that longer does not always equal better. While it’s undeniable that most of us idolize the hypothetical all-night lover, the prospect can be much more attractive in Fantasy Land than in real life. I don’t know who it is that you’re having sex with for ten minutes at a time, but I can honestly say that as a lady, sometimes ten minutes is plenty. Sometimes ten minutes is too long. The amount of sexual pleasure derived from a partner is rarely a matter of how much time has elapsed; although it’s true that pleasure can mount as time goes on, it can also wane as any number of things happens: Your partner could be preoccupied by other thoughts and anxieties and lose his/her hard-on; he/she could lose lubrication and get sore; he/she could just be very sensitive and get sore regardless of how much lube you’re using or she’s producing.

Being able to last longer doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a better lover. I can say from personal experience that as a woman, having sex with a man who takes forever to get off can be heavenly, but it can also be frustrating. I’ve been with a few all-nighters, and even when they’re fabulous at what they do, somewhere between the ten and twenty minute mark (far above the average duration, mind you) I find myself thinking: “Am I doing something wrong? Why hasn’t he come yet? Am I not sexy enough?” This line of thought can bring on all kinds of anxieties that can turn me off, regardless of how well my partner is performing. And, after hour one has elapsed, I’m almost always ready for a sandwich and a nap. I don’t really need a marathon session every time. While I’m sure there are plenty of women who might disagree with this assessment, I’m equally sure that there are plenty more who agree with me. I can’t speak for male partners in gay sex relationships, as I’m outside that community, but if any of you are reading and have words of wisdom for Woah here, please feel free to comment.

But, ah, now that I’ve give you a nigh-unreadable list of reasons not to worry yourself about your ten-minute average, if you’re still reading, allow me to offer some tips for changing the situation. If, despite the above reassurances, you really want to keep on trying for fifteen, twenty, or more minutes of mounted bliss, here are some things you can try:

1) Practice. Again, because I don’t know about your situation, I don’t want to assume too much about your sex life. You may be having sex five times a day and simply get off quickly and easily every time: I hope that’s true, because that would be great for you! But if you’re not having sex very frequently and are therefore more aroused by the situation when it comes about (har har har… comes…), try to get a little more accustomed to arousal. Of course, having more sex isn’t always the easiest prospect to achieve, but if it’s an option, by all means take advantage of it and bone away till you feel less rushed. Or, alternatively, just masturbate more often. Seriously. Masturbation is actually very good for you (so say scientists who study the virility of new vs. old sperm; the newbies are usually much healthier, so the more often you get rid of the old stuff, the better your reproductive abilities), and when you’re the one in charge of the action, you can try different techniques for prolonging your own pleasure. You might discover that taking a break now and again will keep things going down there, or that varying the speed and intensity of strokes can slow you down. Perhaps the pressure you’re applying can be modified, and if you’re with a skilled partner when the two-person-tango is performed, your partner may be able to mimic the variations in pressure with mouth of pelvice floor muscles. The idea here being, the more you try it, the easier it will be to figure out what makes you splooge versus what only makes you smile, and then work your knowledge into your bedroom boogie repertoire.

2) Foreplay. I know, everyone has heard this a billion times, but it’s true. Whether you’re with a woman, a man, or a trans person, everybody can hold their orgasm off for longer, and feel pleasure for longer as a result, if they’ve spent some time getting themselves and their partner worked up before penetration. From a female perspective, if my partner’s gone down on me or fingered me or used a toy on me or even just spent enough time tantalizing me with neck kisses and skin-on-skin contact, by the time penetration happens, I don’t care nearly as much if it lasts for five minutes or forty-five minutes. If I’m satisfied and/or horny going into it, the experience will be fantastic no matter what, and I’ll probably be able to get off quickly enough that even a two-minute bout will be ok.

3) Post-play. Particularly if your partner is female, if you’ve bust your nut before she’s climaxed, there’s no need to worry. NONE. Whatsoever. Because you can always head back down south with your hands, mouth, toys, or any combination of the three and keep her going. While there are women out there who prefer a cock to a tongue or a toy, I don’t know of any who will turn the latter two options down if they’re still turned on and ready to rumble. Even if practicing and foreplay haven’t given you a more-than-ten-minute edge, you can make the pleasure last much longer for her and be the best lover she’s ever had for your troubles. And if you keep her going long enough, you can be ready for round two by the time she gets where she’s going!

4) Bedroom aids. There are lots of toys, trinkets, and tiddlywinks specifically designed to help you last longer before your load is blown; I have a feeling if you google a few key words on this topic you’ll be inundated with possibilities. There are condoms with mild numbing agents on the inside that will keep your sensitive bits from being as sensitive as usual and therefore less likely to reach a climax quickly. There are pills (although their varying degrees of efficacy are debatable) that supposedly can keep you hard for ages. And there are cock rings, cock rings, cock rings, which have a much longer history than pills and a much more widely accepted ability to keep you hard longer.

5) Breaks in banging. It works for porn stars; it can work for you. Take breaks during your boning bouts. When you feel yourself getting close to coming but you don’t want it to happen just yet, pull out and kiss your partner, or finger him or her, or cuddle, or caress, or, hell, go get a snack. Come up with a wild new position that takes a while to get into. If you’re with a multi-orgasmic partner, you can use your hands or mouth to get him or her off several times before you go back in for the grand finale. Just give your boner a break and some time to cool down before you heat things back up.

6) And, of course, the measure of last resort: diversionary tactics. We’ve all heard this one before, but I swear it works. If you feel an orgasm coming on before you want it to happen, think about the least sexy thing you can imagine… within limits of course. You don’t want to kill the mood by running out of the room clawing your eyeballs and screaming about worm-infested zombies. But you can think about something abstract: “Hm, do we have any milk in the fridge right now?” “I wonder what the temperature is outside.” “Did I remember to turn the oven off?” Mundane little side-tracks can keep you physically present but less focused on what’s going on with your junk and give you a few moments’ reprieve from the intensity of the situation, leaving you with a few more minutes to wind yourself up to a state of ecstasy when you’ve focused back on the bliss to be had.

I hope these multitudinous bits of info and suggestions have helped, Mr. Woah: my hands are tired and I’m exhausted by all this thinking! I sure am knowledge-y!

I’d love to hear if anyone found this helpful, or has other advice to offer, in the comments section below. I think I’ve proved myself a worthy Not-Doctor, so please, peeps, tweet me (@MissLagsalot), comment me, or e-mail me (misslagsalot@gmail.com) more questions!

*Info gleaned from Mary Roach’s fascinating and funny tome, Bonk. W.W. Norton, 2008.

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