As you may all know by now, I pretty much believe that adult performer Danny Wylde shits rainbows and sparkles. I love this guy. He was one of the people I interviewed for my art show at apexart this spring, and he’s been interviewed by yours truly for several websites (like this one). He writes for Smitten Kitten and his own blog (which is fantastic, and I don’t say that just because I like him–the man can write), fronts the hardcore band Children, advocates for better representations of men in pornography, and generally makes an excellent example of the smart, articulate, artistic, whole-person-as-porn-star human being that I can think of. And he (and his real-life alter-ego Chris Daniel Zeischegg) wrote something for Masturbation Month! And it’s, predictably and yet still delightfully, smart as hell. Enjoy!
Masturbating in My Eye (A Play in One Act)
Danny Wylde: “My pinkeye is self inflicted. I shot a wad of cum over my stomach and chest, and across my left cornea. “
Christopher Daniel Zeischegg: “That’s karma for enjoying yourself too much. Too much at others’ expense.”
Danny Wylde: “You mean, like, when people pay to watch my porn? That kind of expense?”
Christopher Daniel Zeischegg: “I mean when you stand over women and cum on their faces. And at least ten percent of the time you squirt in one of their eyes.”
Danny Wylde: “But only if they say, ‘Don’t come in my eye.’ Not like I’m doing it on purpose. But there’s a cosmic force that rules over the trajectory of ejaculate. It listens to the thoughts of anyone about to get sprayed. It’s like homeland security. It listens for key words and phrases. ‘Don’t come in my eye’ is the number one cue for cum to land in someone’s eye.”
Christopher Daniel Zeischegg: “You’re fucking daft. I know you weren’t thinking that when you shot yourself in the eye.”
Danny Wylde: “Right. I wasn’t thinking much of anything. I was enjoying myself.”
Christopher Daniel Zeischegg: “Karma.”
Danny Wylde: “I deserve to enjoy myself as much as anyone else.”
Christopher Daniel Zeischegg: “But you enjoy yourself more than most anybody else. It’s your job, your hobby, your sex life, and the thing you do when you’re bored and can’t think of anything else.”
Danny Wylde: “You’re wrong, and you know it. I mean, you’re sort of there when we’re at work, but you’re always there the rest of the time. Because I’m sort of there the rest of the time. We share the exact same thoughts. Even if we disagree, I can see your point of view as clearly as you can see mine.”
Christopher Daniel Zeischegg: “What’s your point?”
Danny Wylde: “Jerking off by myself is the only time it’s 100% personal. Squirting in some girl’s eye? That’s stressful. Or at least the part building up to it.”
Christopher Daniel Zeischegg: “Don’t lie. You like it.”
Danny Wylde: “I do, I do. Not necessarily coming in her eye. But the orgasm part. And watching her mouth before it happens. That doesn’t mean it’s not stressful.”
Christopher Daniel Zeischegg: “Oh poor you. You have to drop a load to get paid. Your life sucks.”
Danny Wylde: “That’s not what I meant.”
Christopher Daniel Zeischegg: “Well, you should know I like to give you a hard time. Because I’m monogamous and you’re a whore. And other things…”
Danny Wylde: “You can still come off as mean. I think you should work on that.”
Christopher Daniel Zeischegg: “Okay, I’ll admit it’s stressful. Because you dig into my memories sometimes to get the job done. And I don’t like that. They weren’t part of the deal when we agreed to exploit our sex.”
Danny Wylde: “But we’re a team now. You need part of me just like I need part of you. ”
Christopher Daniel Zeischegg: “So I shouldn’t give you a hard time for actually enjoying yourself? Purely. Madly. Deeply. Whatever…”
Danny Wylde: “You mean enjoying YOURself. When we’re at home, we’re mostly you. When I shot myself in the eye, it was mostly you.”
Christopher Daniel Zeischegg: “Bad posture, flat on my back, stupid face, and done under two minutes… Yeah, I guess you’re right. That’s me. No one else is allowed to see that.”
Danny Wylde: “Well, I still have bad posture when I’m at work.”
Christopher Daniel Zeischegg: “I’ve noticed. It makes me very self-conscious to see your belly pushing out while you’re fucking.”
Danny Wylde: “That makes two of us. But it’s not on purpose. I promise. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you.”
Christopher Daniel Zeischegg: “Except come in my eye. But I guess that’s my fault.”