SEXPERT ADVICE — How do I make my wife squirt?

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I love it in porn when the girls squirt when they cum! It’s so hot! But my wife never does it! How can I make that happen?

—Wishing for a Fountain

Darling WfaF—

I am so happy to hear you say that! Maybe you read our sexpert advice column from a little while ago, from a woman who wanted to stop squirting! I couldn’t believe it! Pretty much everyone I know loves squirting, and people like you can attest to it. Stand strong, my friend! Squirting rocks!

There’s something you should know before trying a whole bunch of fancy finger work and technique on your lover, though: not all women squirt. Now, this is — incredibly — not a scientifically proven fact. For some reason that none of us in the sex community, or the rest of the world, can fathom, female ejaculation and even the existence of the female G-spot are both big question marks in the scientific community. Nobody seems to  have come to a consensus on whether either of them actually exist, despite the hours of footage you and I have both seen of women having very visible ejaculatory orgasms. Science seems to be terrified of the subject. We imagine lots of scientists brainstorming studies to try to get funded and squitching up their faces at the idea of delving deep into female orgasm when the topic comes up because… I have no idea why. Seems fascinating to us. But the point is that, while I can’t give you any real stats or figures (thanks for nothing, science), I can say with some degree of certainty that many women do not squirt when they come. Whether this is due to the fact that some women are physically incapable or because they simply haven’t realized that they are physically capable is entirely up to conjecture.

Depending on who you ask, the percentage of women who can ejaculate varies wildly, too. Seymore Butts says (in his book Rock Her World) that he thinks nearly all women are capable of it, but other numbers range from only ten to thirty percent.

All I’m trying to say is that it’s entirely possible that squirting just isn’t in the cards for your wife. If only a small portion of women really can do it, she just might not be in that group. But then again, maybe all women can do it and y’all just haven’t found the right buttons or how to push them. Even though nobody seems to know what female ejaculation is or whether it’s real, there are volumes written about it in books and all over the internet, so don’t rely on me for your most comprehensive information, but I’ve got a few suggestions. So here’s a primer:

1) The most important thing for both you and your wife if she’s trying to squirt is comfort. For most women, squirting occurs only when they are absolutely comfortable with themselves and their partners, and truly overcome with pleasure. If your wife is self-conscious, worried about whether she’ll reach orgasm or not, distracted, or in any way not absolutely into what’s happening in her crotch, squirting is much less likely to occur. And the same goes for your—you need to be comfortable with your wife’s body and with her brain. You need to be able to read her mood and pleasure level, know when to stop and when to keep going. In other words, you’ve gotta be grooving for this to work.

2) Level of arousal. For a very few women, squirting can happen basically anytime. I have a friend who tells me she can touch herself and squirt in seconds, but for most of us, it only happens when things are already going really, really well. One thing that many people don’t realize is that while orgasms often accompany squirting, squirting does not actually equal an orgasm. But it does signify a very high level of arousal. Most women can’t squirt until they’re very close to climax or actually climaxing. So you can prep your wife for squirting by touching all the right places, if she’s not begging for it and already on Cloud 9, it ain’t happening.

3) The right moves. Most women have a G-spot that, when stimulated properly, contributes to squirting, though again, the science on how and why this spot exists or works is still fuzzy. But the generally agreed-upon location of the G-spit is around an inch into the vagina, on the top wall (the front side, toward the bellybutton). This can vary a lot—for some women it’s deeper in, for some it’s closer to the opening, for some it’s on the back wall… you get the idea. But you know when you’re having sex or fingering her and her eyes either close really tight or open really wide, she gasps, and starts going, “Right there, right there, right there?” There’s a good chance that whatever spot you’re hitting at that moment is the G-spot. Find that spot with your fingers—it will probably feel round in shape and slightly rougher than the tissue around it. Apply repeated pressure to that spot—usually a “come hither” movement with two fingers works wonders. Start out pretty softly and slowly apply more pressure. If you use your tongue on her clit at the same time you get points for technique and determination. This will often bring about squirting. Of course, once you’ve found the right spot, you can stimulate it however you want—with a toy or a penis or whatever you like! But finding it is the most important part. Finding it and learning to work with it.

4) The above motion and the right spot may not work the first time, or even the first few times you try it. Like I said before, it’s all about comfort. If she’s worried about whether it’s gonna happen or not, if she’s wondering if she remembered to get that thing at the store today, if she’s just not in the mood… she might not squirt even if she’s more than capable, as outlined in number one. So be patient; be considerate; try, try again; and HAVE FUN!

—Miss Lagsalot

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